Prologue
Puteri told me, my life is a roller coaster and being tested a lot because god loves me.God examines one's heart and mind and see who are true to Him. She said, those who've been through rough patches in life is actually given opportunity by god to put the trust to him by faith and you must keep the faith never stop praying. "Whatever happens turn to him, humble yourself, seek and pray".When he closes one door he opens another you just have to believe that.
She explains further, some people are given everything although they misuses the opportunity by being arrogant or committed sins yet nothing is being taken. They grow rich, they have all the luxury in this world and you begin to think this is unfair! why this is happening to you not them as nothing sets you apart?. "They never devote to god, they are worst than you, so why you not them?"
Do you know why god keep on giving when he can take everything in a second? I seriously don't have a clue because this is the first paradox i've heard so i just listen. "Those who are given everything, doesn't
mean "blessed by Him" . He keeps giving, yet you kept the blessing and rewards everything to yourself without returning back to him, you are categorized among those who can't be help anymore so He stop caring. He gives, he gives and gives, till the day when everything you have, "everything in this world".
For someone who loves intelligent conversation, my worn soul is lifted by few words that isn't extremist nor preaching but spiritually encouraging.
That night is one on one session i appreciate most. I brave myself to tell her this part of me that is "exhibitionist" that love to dance and tease. She said " Don't worry , it's probably nothing compare to red light district in Amsterdam " I told her .. " Puteri, i'am the pioneer"
a cheeky smile then spreads across her face and i feel that is the right night for me to be sincere in this friendship as i don't have many i trust with.The living hall echos with screams " Juzz OMG " Oh God , Oh God Juzz " ..a holly night as i show her four years in Youtube to the very last "Hypnotized" video that she admits exactly like Amsterdam haha.
Deep inside i am touched the moment she knows the truth yet that laughter and smile are precious compares to my mom who've watched my youtube a year ago, informed by someone from FB.
During her lunch break with her colleagues they watched and i almost die driving to Concorde Shah Alam to meet my potential "Business English students". When i received rarely phone calls from her, it was unusual that all i think about something must have happened to Xandra.
I was emotionally abused as i was driving , she keeps on calling threatening me to return and stays in hometown. Hurtful words being said and i can't concentrate anymore, stopped in MC d's confronted her, get the hint where the leak from and log in FB.
I wrote on my FB wall " thank you very much , you have been a good friend, if i die driving today and i don't get the chance to meet Xandra when i was on my way to earn a living for her , you can be glad that you been a good person to break two hearts." Drama went crazy as one by one came up with statements on my FB wall " they love me that is what necessary " how much hypocrisy that is, to hurt someone else my mom when it supposed to be me they confront with". The toll from that caused a rift between me and mom also shattered my best friend and me as she was accused "not a good friend if she keep it quite".FB deactivate.
It took me months to mend what is being broken to gain that trust again. I managed to heal communication barrier but it's totally rebuff whenever i need a support emotionally and financially from my family.
The Beginning
Family is like a circle, the connection that never ends. Even if at times it breaks in time it always mend.
Conflict is part of family life. But when you sit together as a family and communicate in a positive way it helps to resolve any issues of disagreement. However when conflicts occurs too frequently, and everyone attempts a control strategy, it just leads to frustration without conclusion. When there are issues of conflicts that are not resolved it tends to reinforce dysfunctional behavior. It takes a toll on family's life.
I have issues with my family. That is complex. No family therapist could help to maintain healthy relationship among us. It doesn't mean i stop loving them or they stop loving me , it just means we just have to be very careful not to push anyone's button .The volcano likely to erupt, because everyone have issues towards each other, all five are blessed with strong temper.
Few years back when i was really drifted and i can't find it in my heart to forgive, i decided that it was best for me to exile. I blame my family for the separation. It may be different roller coaster for me but at least i have someone to turn to, a husband. No one talk about it , because that is the most sensitive issue.
Living away from family is a choice to heal but the hardest part is, that decision influence everything like loosing your survival immunity.
This entire journey , is me alone. I have embrace the worst, the ups the down everything alone.
there were days i barely have food to eat and the stock were just biscuits and minerals.
there was month when i can use some of my paycheck for comfort , what i really want was this bed;
but i have to settle for another, after months sleeping on thin comforter i bought a mattress
there were glory days, and I feel like I have won , when I thought finally everything change
with my own effort, alone within few months with just hard work days, nights , weekends, public holidays
I work hard for it,
Then I loose hard.
This is the longest i have not work in my entire life. Almost 9 months. The impact , i am left with nothing.
few month ago, I recieved an offer from an Oil & Gas company, an offer that i look forward to, the company provides accomodation a condo , and the strategic location infront of KL convention centre makes me overjoyed. Again it doesn't last , as my family refuses to help for just a month support before my paycheck. No one bothers when they know. My mom knows that i have to travel to KL on Sunday , She knows i need her help. But no one care. As i have been out of fund, they knew nothing i can do except to stay in my room.
So I stay in my room.
I don't go out, I don't talk , I keep it minimal to Xandra and my cat Spyder.
Last month , the car that has been mine. The only wira i have is being transfered ownership to my mom's. It was my sister but since she bought new they care less for "buruk wira" especially. So I took it and pay for it. I have spent a lot , for that car. Because of stupidity, thinking i was about to be filed under bankcrupty they force me to sign the paper for transfer. And i just give , i don't want anything.
Take everything , take a control of my life i will be the puppet and body, without soul. I know they are happy finally i am weak not a fighter. So I just let.
The only sanity left is my passion for music and performing, that is the only connection i allow myself to be happy nothing worrying me . Some accusses me, judging what their eyes see. None of that hate compares to the hurt i've swallowed each day.
What hurt most, when a friend told me there's a vacancy at my mom's. Her sister saw the advert when she was driving home. She thought i knew about it. And i said , you obviously doesn't know my mom. I can bet with you she will never tell. And till today this sunday , and my schedule interview on Monday not a word about it. I know it's probably because of last year it was embarrasing tragedy for her. So i told my friend , i don't mind .
When i told her about this coming interview that a friend has submitted my resume and the company has schedule the date, She told me to go for the interview, "work back in KL rather than sit in your room for months". I knew that rebel worked finally , that she has had it. She has see me me suffer enough , rarely eat, rarely shower almost dead. Somehow it scares her.
Then again , everything is within her consent, i am fully dependant. This morning all she said , take a bus. When i told my dad it is far this time in Damansara Perdana. Imagine, from Pekeliling, then LRT then Taxi and how to get a transport back, as hardly taxi went in tht area , unless you walk which is very far. Their reason for me not to drive " the wira is not in good condition ". Honestly i wanted to shout out. We have ,
3 cars in this house. My mom doesn't drive, My sister in Australia. I feel sad and hurt this is coming from my family. The money is placed on the table, i am trying to find my strenght , and cry for the last time, so can pull myself together and make it for the interview. This moment all i feel is sebak .
